I’ve always had a huge appetitie. I was in okay shape as a younger kid but when I started at an enormous secondary school, a rising sense of anxiety and a distinct lack of friends forced me to look for a place to hide: I hid in food. Quite literally. I ate and ate, getting bigger and bigger until – by the time I left school – I was morbidly obese. At the same time, I was starting to experience fairly major mental health problems associated with becoming increasingly isolated and with feeling, as I was increasingly starting to look, like a freak. These days, it’s pretty horrible to use words like ‘freak’ to describe anyone, especially as a kid…but back in the 80s and early 90s that epithet was banded around quite a bit.
Your horoscope might not be important….but your personality type definitely IS. How well do you know yourself? This was a question I was asked the second I walked into some fairly intensive therapy sessions. I said to the therapist: ‘I’m worried I might be a psychopath and I’m definitely a sociopath. People hate me. I’m always overthinking stuff. I’m worried I’m not a good person. I really long for the past. I keep making terrible decisions. I hate being around other people but I get bored if I’m on my own. I’m worried that I’m ALWAYS bored and I do really stupid stuff to make me NOT bored. I think I’m drinking too much wine and definitely too much coffee. I fancy far too many woman. I’m worried I’m going to blow up a petrol station BECAUSE I’m so bored. I really miss my career. I used to write books. I’m worried that I used to be somebody I knew and now I don’t really know who I am. I might be a love addict….oh…and I HATE pretty much everyone.’ My therapist said: ‘Do you want to sit down?’ That’s right. I said all that while I was still in the DOORWAY.
I’ve never been able to cope with the passing of time and over the years this single fact has got me into so much trouble I can barely even describe it. When I make a decision or don’t follow my heart or even occasionally when I feel I’ve made the RIGHT decision, I still absolutely yearn to go back and do things differently. It’s like a sort of emotional heartbreak and without any exaggeration, I find it practically impossible to cope with.
I actually hate the title of this post, yet it suited the content perfectly because it was the reply I was given when I told somebody a few years back that I could be mildly sociopathic. ‘Yeah, me too,’ she admitted. ‘I’m a little bit socio.’