On my days off, I like to visit Costa in Broadstairs to grab a small cappuccino and a roasted cheddar and tomato sandwich. Once I’m loaded up with my little takeaway bag, I head to the seafront and consume it on one of the benches just along from the bandstand. I don’t usually draw much attention with this regular routine but today, however, I feel like I’m being watched.
Your horoscope might not be important….but your personality type definitely IS. How well do you know yourself? This was a question I was asked the second I walked into some fairly intensive therapy sessions. I said to the therapist: ‘I’m worried I might be a psychopath and I’m definitely a sociopath. People hate me. I’m always overthinking stuff. I’m worried I’m not a good person. I really long for the past. I keep making terrible decisions. I hate being around other people but I get bored if I’m on my own. I’m worried that I’m ALWAYS bored and I do really stupid stuff to make me NOT bored. I think I’m drinking too much wine and definitely too much coffee. I fancy far too many woman. I’m worried I’m going to blow up a petrol station BECAUSE I’m so bored. I really miss my career. I used to write books. I’m worried that I used to be somebody I knew and now I don’t really know who I am. I might be a love addict….oh…and I HATE pretty much everyone.’ My therapist said: ‘Do you want to sit down?’ That’s right. I said all that while I was still in the DOORWAY.
Occasionally, I stop setting up elaborate practical jokes to break with tradition and talk about something quite serious and important to me. This is one of those times. Last night, I had the privilege of accompanying my wife to 2015 Make Awards, created and administered by Not on the High Street. She and her company, Hoobynoo World, were nominated for Best Pet Product. I am fiercely proud of her achievements, but to underline just how much work she has put in, just how far we have come as a family and just how virtually important NotHS has been – as a company – to my wife and to her endeavors to create a business, I need to explain the background to our journey…
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer: that’s the saying. Is it true, though? Well….in a really unexpected sense, it is.
‘Dave, don’t look around now….but I think the man by the stairs might be my father.’ If these words had come from anybody else, it would have been an incredible, life-changing moment, one of those moments that you always remember….like you’re always going to remember the day Cliff Richard finally goes bad and knocks over a post office. But the words have come from Dean, and – as my friends go – he’s not the most emotionally stable horse in the paddock. Dean thinks everyone is his father, and I feel for him: I really do. I grew up in single parent family with no dad around, and although there were odd times when I could have maybe benefited from a father and son chat, I certainly never felt in any way deprived of some great advantage.
Nostalgia can be a curse and to prove it I’ve created a list of five times in my life that I made a decision I’ve always slightly regretted. I’m calling it ‘My Five Biggest Regrets’ but the title is a bit misleading. Creating a list like this is a really important thing to do and if you’re going to get it right then you have to be constructive and try to determine whether in all probability you’re either right or wrong in each case. What do YOU regret? It’s a killer question. If the Road to Hell is paved with good intentions, then I strongly suspect that the Path to Dissatisfaction is paved with overly nostalgic memories, especially ones involving missed opportunities. If you’re autistic, an overthinker or even just an unusually reflective person, then the retrospective analysis is probably a huge part of your mental landscape. In simple terms, retrospective analysis is where you overplay conversations in your head after the event, often applying your own biased narrative to anything that was said. What you end up coming out with can potentially do catastrophic damage to friendships and relationships or even destroy them completely. It’s a curse of a burden to bear, which is why I find movies like ’13 Going on 30′ so incredibly difficult to watch.
Disclaimer: this post – Among Us – was written at Westwood Cross back in 2014 BEFORE the Iceland Warehouse Supermarket moved in at a time when the world was very different. For a start, crimes were things like theft and assault, not meeting your friends or visiting your nan’s house without a passport. Nevertheless, this happened pretty much exactly as I’ve described it…
I’m at the mind-bendingly lush Harris & Hoole coffee shop at Tesco Extra just before Christmas, quietly considering whether I’d like to select drowning in their cappuccinos as my chosen method of death, when one of the two guys sitting at the table next to me leans across to his mate and says something that actually makes me spill some of my coffee into the saucer. He says: ‘We have to stop Luke killing people.’
“It’s Davey from Blockbuster in Ramsgate: store code 260116. I’d like to place a large stock order, please.”
It’s a Thursday morning, rain is pouring over Ramsgate and I’m on an early shift at Blockbuster Video. I’m really miserable: I’ve had a terrible night with very little sleep, and I’m on my own for the first hour of the shift. The sky is dark, people are running up and down King Street trying to get out of the rain and there’s even a few rumbles of thunder suddenly being thrown into the mix.
This lovely photograph was taken during our first trip to Euro Disney. It’s a great picture, and I think it shows just how happy we were and what a great time we had there. If you look carefully, you can see that all three of us are seriously LOVING Mickey Mouse Land: myself, my wife and our best friend, Goodshot.