Warning: Don’t Touch My Wand contains adult content. If you’re easily offended by the beliefs and practices of alternative religious groups, look away now. Still here? Right…let’s relate what happened during June 2015. Read it and weep…
The conversation at the former Coffee Republic at Westwood Cross is in full flow, but it’s about to be killed stone dead.
I should point out that I’m in very unusual company: I’m having coffee (or, in this case, tea) with seven of the area’s leading occult magicians. Before you get all judgmental with me, please try to remember this: a billion people can believe in something, and it can still be nuts. Occultists are just like us, but they tend to dress a bit differently. This particular group are wearing open-necked shirts and ripped jeans with sigils on them. The only people I love hanging around with more than occultists are LARPers…but that’s a whole other story.
Anyway……the conversation. Get ready for it, and try hard not to be offended. My bits are in bold, and Kev’s are in italics.
“I can’t believe the gang’s all here!”
“How is everyone? The force is strong with us!”
“Everyone say Hi to Dave! Dave does the blog I’m always telling you about. He took the piss out of witches: that’s why he’s ginger now. Dave, as you know I’m Paul – we spoke on the phone – and this is Mike, Rich, Tom, Kev, Ed and Tom B.”
“Haha! Hey Dave.”
“Hey, guys: thanks for inviting me.”
“Before we get all hung up on Dave, though, we should point out that Kev is our other noob!”
There’s a bit of a chorus of the word ‘noob’ at this point. I’ve heard it before: it means ‘newbie’.
Kev shrugs, nods….but he seems a bit offish, so I decide to start the conversation.
“As this is my first time, I’ll be honest: I thought there might be more girls….”
“Ha! We’re having a nightmare getting girls, these days: they stick to Wicca.”
“Yeah! They love those circles.”
“We don’t really do circles anymore.”
“That’s right: we still use wands, but-”
“I used to use a wand, but since I’ve been doing the advanced masturbation stuff, I mainly use my dick.”
Just like that, time freezes.
The only person still moving – and drinking – is me, because I naturally assume ‘Kev’ has made a sort of ‘inside joke’ that most of the other guys will get.
It’s then that I realise nobody else is laughing.
Paul is half frowning, half smiling…as if he doesn’t quite understand. The others are like waxwork statues at Madam Tussaud’s….but geekier.
To make matters worse, Kev is looking at the rest of the group with a pained but confident expression, and unbelievably he doesn’t wait for a reply. He just carries right ON:
“It’s not a joke. I have, on my travels, discovered a book on a special sort of advanced ‘magick’ that has a dedicated section on masturbation rituals. In fact-”
“Hold on there, Kev-” I interrupt, reasoning that I absolutely have to lighten the mood. “This obviously isn’t public knowledge. I mean, let’s face it: if every wa*ker in the world decided to become a wizard, it would be worse than Mordor out there.”
The regular occultists are all still staring at Kev, who suddenly – while maintaining eye-contact with me – bites into a fruit flapjack so hard that he almost takes his knuckle off. He chews up every last bit of it, crumbs spilling over his chin as he waits for me to say something else. When I don’t, he continues:
“Nevertheless, Dave: the book exists. It’s on amazon and it has a hand-grenade on the cover.”
I don’t really know what to say to Kevin: he’s obviously a very unique guy, a bit wiry with dark curly hair that has sort of exploded as if he once had a man-bun and used it to store a hand-grenade that went off. I immediately decide that he’s never had a girlfriend, and suddenly feel so sorry for him that I want to give him a hug…but I’m worried that he might be a bit, well, damp.
The others aren’t so accommodating: they’ve been exchanging meaningful glances and have become a bit….serious. Suddenly, Paul says:
“Kevin….are you a chaos magician?”
Kev looks up like a rat caught in a trap. Folding his arms defiantly, he sits up his chair and says. “Yeah. AND?”
Paul sighs, but the others are shaking their heads. I have no idea what’s going on.
Tom B leans forward and puts both hands on the table. “Um….well, I personally don’t have a problem with your sort, but this is a High Magic group, Kevin.”
Kev shrugs. “I know, but there aren’t any chaos magicians round here, so I just thought-”
“Would you please leave?” Paul says, very sharply. “We’re not here to discuss that stuff.”
“Fine. WHATEVER.” Kev jumps up, grabs his rucksack. “You dicks,” he says, heading for the stairs. At the top of the flight, he looks back over towards the table, makes eye contact with me and says: “Look up the book!” Then he’s gone. Well, not exactly gone: I think he shouted ‘ginger’ a few times on his way to the front door, but it might have been my imagination.
The rest of the meeting was dull as all hell, but when I got home I looked for the book…
…and I found it. Unbelievably, Kev wasn’t lying.
On the day the little paperback arrived, I immediately called up my best mate to stand guard outside my bathroom while I conjure up a tornado of awesome power, but when he arrived he wasn’t keen on the idea.
In fact, he just stood there in my hallway, his face a rictus of horror. “Are you nuts? I’m not running sentry duty while you wan-”
“I’d advise you to stop RIGHT THERE,” I reply, pointing down at my crotch. “THIS is where the power lies, man…and I’m packing. Right. Now.”
“Dave – this is sick.”
“Listen, if I don’t do this….then that scrawny kid will have made a complete wan*er out of me.”
“I think he’s done that anyway.”
“Shut up. Just guard the door.”
Obviously, I will have to draw a discreet veil over the rest of the experiment, but it was a resounding success. I’ve never really enjoyed magic before, but I’m getting a handle on it now. Oh, and if you think I’m making any of this up….
….absolutely any of it….
….go onto Amazon, get the book, have a read and then come back here: leave a comment that says ‘Bloke Called Dave: it’s all true.’
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you can’t make this stuff up.
Don’t Touch My Wand was written by Davey Stone during the Summer of 2015. If you enjoyed Don’t Touch My Wand, please follow the blog for more content. Thanks for reading ‘Don’t Touch My Wand’. To learn more about Chaos Magic, click here.